The Tale of a Not So Super Mom

Disclaimer: This post has an Eeyore like tone. If you don't know Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, he can be a little gloomy sometimes...

I haven’t slept in 2 ½ years. I don’t remember my last vacation. This is wearing on my otherwise mostly positive outlook.

I don’t remember what it means to not worry about other people “needing” me.
I don’t remember what it means to have free time. I start Monday each week and I don’t even remember what I did on my weekend. It’s a blur of chores and negotiations with my husband about how to fit in a short run and a couple of yoga practices. I don’t remember the details. I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t worried about taking too much time for myself – running for just 10 more minutes….lingering in the shower for just 2 more minutes after a sweaty yoga practice.

No, I move quickly from one thing to the next to the next to the point where my mind goes numb and it becomes a challenge to lift the toothbrush to my mouth. Lately, I’ve made way too many peanut butter and banana sandwiches for my daughter for dinner. Thankfully – she loves them. The health freak in me is horrified by the lack of vegetables and variety that I offer her. I’m doing my best but oh the supermom looking in would be appalled. Oh well, I take comfort in the fact that I do not strive to be supermom.

Many activities that used to define my lifestyle and perhaps my identity are no longer part of my life. I’m struggling with this. Someone asked me today if I’d been skiing yet this season (knowing that I used to teach a ski conditioning class and ski regularly). I could hardly answer – I wanted to cry. I don’t remember the last time I went skiing. The truth is - I can’t find the time to fit these sports back into my life. I even feel like what’s the point of doing it once or twice in a season if I can’t do it regularly? Maybe I could fit them if I really tried - technically, I could still pack up my snowshoes and my headlamp and drive up the mountain to go hiking at 9:30pm at night. Let’s be honest – by that time, I’m ready to collapse into bed.

I will sleep hard for maybe an hour (two if I’m lucky) until my two year old wakes up screaming, running from her big girl bed and refusing to go back. I am amazed that I have survived this level of fatigue for so long. I’m beginning to think that my former life of marathon and ironman triathlon training was just to prepare me for this new kind of fatigue. I don’t remember what it means to have a good night’s sleep. I think if I experienced it, I would be transformed into a new person - probably a more emotionally stable person. I’m only trying to hold it all together – take care of myself and help support my family and do a respectable job at work. The irony is my job is promoting health. And despite what I’ve written – I do walk the talk. However, yoga, running and healthful eating will still only get you so far. I still need more time for two things:


1. SLEEP
2. FUN

Okay, I’ve already declared that I find time for running and yoga so some of you are thinking “how selfish!” No – I consider my quest to find more sleep and fun as a personal investment strategy that translates into returns that benefit me and everyone that I’m in contact with. My family, my co-workers, even the people I meet on the street – they all benefit. Basic, right? Easy to find more time in an already overfull calendar? Not so much. My approach is not about finding more time but working with the time I’ve got. How can preparing dinner for the umpteenth time (when you’re utterly exhausted and your child is whining at you “something else”) be more fun? How can I get my daughter to sleep in her own bed so that I can sleep for ONE FULL NIGHT without interruption? Suggestions? I’m all ears.