Aging Gratefully

I turn 43 tomorrow. I am middle-aged. In fact, according to Statistics Canada I am past middle aged - the lifespan for Canadian women is nearly 83.  I have wrinkles and a few grey hairs. I need a more supportive bra than when I was 25 and on most days, I wear comfortable shoes. Thank the shoe designers, there are some stylin' versions of foot comfort!

This acknowledgement of age is not me sinking into a deep funk. It is me watching life in awe! It is amazing to witness myself age and know that there is so much more living and being yet to do. This life time may go on for another 43 years if I'm lucky or perhaps my time in this body will run out sooner. Whatever my path is, I am grateful that through the passage of time and life itself, I learn more every day how to dive into THIS pure moment. I learn to embrace the highs, the lows and the in-betweens. I learn that I am more than myself. I am connected to this, that and you.

I have much to be grateful for but in celebration of my 43 years, and in no particular order, here are 43 things I am grateful for today.

1.     My Health.

2.     My ability to run!

3.     This practice of YOGA.

4.     My breath.

5.     My beautiful daughter. I am SO amazingly blessed to have this little person with a massive heart in my life. I love her openness, her curiosity, and her desire to create art all day long. I love the way she sleeps like a starfish even when she climbs in my bed, the way she negotiates for more stories and more songs at bed times, the way she dances and that she loves to dance, the way she rides her run bike full tilt for 10 minutes and then asks me to give her a push because she's tired. I love the way she says "I love you every day for ever" to me and "I am a talent" and "I am awesome" about her self. I love that she wants to practice yoga and wants me to teach her.

6.     The lesson of BEING HERE NOW that my dog Otis teaches me every day.

7.    Dogs SMILES as I enter the front door.

8.   The love that streams out of these two beings for ME. It is endless.

9.   The amazing community of yogis and teachers that I have the opportunity to practice with.

10. Access to beautiful nourishing food and the wisdom (on most days) to choose what energizes me.

11. Raw Dark Chocolate (and yes, good chocolate is energizing!)

12. A Freshly brewed long shot Americano with the espresso foam still on top…

13. Big huge trees with massive root structures that travel what seems like miles into the earth and similarly have branches that travel miles into the sky. Pure Amazingness.

14. Long trail runs with my pals.

15. Mud.

16. Hot showers to wash away the mud and clear my soul.

17. Moving water: Streams, creaks, rivers, ocean waves, ripples in a lake.

18. A good book that makes me wonder, think, laugh and cry.

19. Fresh lemons squeezed in hot water with a drip of honey.

20. Laughing so hard I pee my pants.

21. THE BEACH.

22. MOUNTAINS.

23. Music, dance and living room dance parties.

24. Long conversations that fill my soul and keep me up too late at night.

25. The moon.

26. The SUN.

27. Playing hide and go seek with my entire Family in the woods.

28. My FREEDOM to choose.

29. Timotei.

30. My FAMILY. All of them.

31. My strength & resiliency.

32. Story time.

33. Quiet spaces.

34. Moments of solitude.

35. Animals.

36. Time and space to write.

37. Moments that everything is PERFECT. Perfectly flawed and perfectly PERFECT.

38. The awesome folks that show up to my yoga class every week to practice with me.

39. People who give of themselves without want of anything in return. These are my friends and my family and often strangers.

40. Eating freshly picked corn on the cob with my daughter and watching her methodical approach to gnawing through as many kernels as her little belly will accommodate.

41. The opportunity to do interesting work that is in support of HEALTH with some interesting, intelligent and committed folks.

42. That I am able to make a living from this work. 

43. That I am not DEFINED by my work.

How are you aging gratefully?

Toot-Asana

Yoga practice was going smooth. My body was a little tired - my shoulders sore but it felt good to move. I discovered the rhythm of my breath and the sweat began to pour. About midway through the class, Mike the teacher, takes us through a series of wide legged forward bends. He instructs the class to pause and we’re collectively kneeling in hero pose waiting for the next cue.

Then Mike walks over to my mat and asks me how I feel. He will often use one person in the group to demonstrate an asana or to explain how to work in partners and support or assist each other in a pose. We’re working on press handstand so I’m hesitantly enthusiastic. “I’m good” I reply. I repeat myself: “yeah, I’m good” as though I'm trying to convince myself.

While the rest of the class watches and listens, Mike supports me through a press hand stand starting from a wide legged forward bend. I feel light. I make it to the top - find my core lines and connect. Cool. I love being upside down. He tells me to come back down. I begin to draw my legs out wide and move my feet towards the floor. He’s still supporting my hips. I am almost there and try to connect deeper. Instead, I fart. A clear - loud - audible to the rest of the room - FART.

The embarrassment doesn’t end with one. As I collapse to the floor in horror, I let out a few extra toots just for good measure. Despite my humiliation, I find this whole experience hilarious. The person next to me cheers me on: “AWESOME” she says.  I want to crawl into a hole. From my fetal position on the floor, I apologize profusely and try to squelch my giggles. Mike, in his calm Mike manner, says "no worries - it's just yoga”. The room claps for my handstand attempt or maybe they are clapping for my musical notes that squeaked past my bandhas. My attempt to contain my emotion only amplifies my need to laugh. I keep giggling. As if I have not disrupted the flow of the class enough already! I try to take a deep breath. The exhale turns into another explosive burst of hysteria.

I quickly make my way out of the studio and into the change room so I can let it out. I go into a laughing fit on the change room bench. Another woman is in the change room standing there with her  towel in wonderment. I try to explain to her what happened. I can’t even say the word “FART” without losing it. Why is this so funny? For crying out loud, the subject of flatulence was a frequent topic of conversation at the dinner table when I was growing up (this I can not explain...). I take some more deep breaths and wipe the tears of laughter from my face.

I find the gumption to go back into the studio. I walk in the room and don’t make eye contact. I giggle a little more with my partner that I was supposed to be helping. Another fellow yogini comes over - says a few things that bring some levity to my embarrassment. This place is amazing. I am made to feel comfortable in my uncomfortableness.

As I write this, I am still laughing. I’ve always known that this yoga practise fuels me - it brings me closer to discovering my true self. I’m not there yet. I know for sure that my true being is considerably less inhibited about laughing and passing gas in public. For what it’s worth, I hadn’t laughed like that in a while. Perhaps this practice gave me just what I needed.

I thought twice about posting this. But I chose to do so for all the people that may have passed wind at the most awkward of times and for those of you that might dread doing the same. If a few toots escape when you’ve got an unexpected audience, don’t worry about it. Audible or not, passing gas is natural.  And call me immature but I still think farting is funny. In a sense, a little toot here and there reminds us to lighten up. And after all, yoga is in part about connecting with nature and finding a little lightness.