Our thoughts and emotions come and go - that is our human experience. If we are able to pause enough to watch them, we might conclude that no action is needed.
This is not another article about all the health and fitness benefits of a 30-day yoga challenge. No…. this is a look into how doing yoga at the studio every damn day was an invitation to watch my wild, critical and non-stop monkey mind. Returning to home practise will be a breeze after this.
To accomplish this challenge, I had to fit my schedule into the studio's schedule. With multiple types of classes offered and several locations, I thought scheduling shouldn’t be too difficult. Yet, with a family and a busy work life I have one window on any particular day to fit in a class. That often meant taking a hot class when I really wanted to take Power or taking a Power class when I my body yearned for Yin. It meant putting my own preferences for teachers and studios aside and deciding to make the teacher in the front of the room my very favorite teacher in that moment. It also meant practising beside darth vadar breathers, grunters, gigglers (oh wait, I am one of them) and those students that strive to fit in every possible advanced pose they can think of when cued to “take the full expression of the pose”.………this was going to be my 30 day challenge.
Though my own practise ebbs and flows and takes many forms, I have practised yoga regularly for many years. Miles of bike riding and running led me to Ashtanga yoga in the early 2000’s. These Ashtanga roots gave me discipline to make practise a part of my life. It’s been a very long time since I’ve practised the Primary series but most days I get on my mat - some days 5 minutes to breath, some days full spectrum practise. I do lots of other physical things too so the asana part of yoga is just that …a part. My point is that for me, this yoga challenge was not about strengthening a greater commitment to my physical practise (though I won’t deny it…I won’t mind if I am able to rock out a solid hand stand one day!)
I transitioned back to work in October after a six month sabbatical - I thought a 30 day yoga challenge away from home would help me balance work wtih the rest of my life. I saw the challenge as a way to strengthen my commitment to myself and to remind myself what was important to me. I knew the transition from having freedom in my days to hike, run, do yoga and spend time with my daughter and my doggy was not going to be an easy one. I was heading back into 9 and 10 hour work days sitting in front of a desk coupled with sometimes two hours of commuting in a car. With 12 hours out of my day already gone, I knew that carving out an hour or two for for me was going to be tough. I also knew it meant I was going to have to choose between running, walking my dog, having dinner with my daughter OR going to yoga. So, for 30 days I chose yoga.
It had been a long time since I practised regularly at a studio. It had been a long time that I’d been tied to an eight to five work schedule. Even with the new routine, week one of the challenge was smooth. I caught up with many friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time and felt welcomed back into this community. The novelty of having a teacher, and a variety at that, made coming to class interesting. Group practise is different than indiviudal practise and the energy, the sweat, the pulsation of breath that comes from a community of practitioners is uplifting. The feeling of connectedness is hard to duplicate on your own.
That is until you repeatedly find yourself setting up your mat beside Darth Vadar guy. Yeah…by week two that was me. My monkey mind kept waiting for the instructor to give some proper breath instruction so they guy didn’t permanently damage his throat and I didn’t explode from the agitation building up inside of me. Witnessing this convinced me to keep coming back…
My yoga studio honeymoon was over by week three. I’d arrive for class, rushed and guilt ridden knowing I might only see my daughter for fifteen minutes after class to say good night. I’d find myself in down dog analyzing whether the value of what I was getting from this class was worth the sacrifices to get there. I’d witness my own silent thoughts as I breathed rhythmically… “I should have just practised at home….I wish I would have gone for a run…. if she keeps talking, I’m going to lose it…”. I’d watch my mind, resisting the dharma talks coming from the lithe, lean 21 year old body at the front of the room, internally rolling my eyes into the back of my head and come back to the solace of my breath. I’d feel myself cringe when the teacher would tell me to “lift the back of my quadriceps” (I’m pretty sure she meant hamstrings) or give some other instruction that contradicted basic anatomy. I am by no means a sanskrit scholar and never aspire to be so who would have thought I’d get my knickers in a knot when the teacher referenced our “shakras” instead of our “CH-akras”. Sometimes the chakra talk would evolve to another level of philosophical woo-woo some of which sounded like it came from a hallmark greeting card….. I watched my once open mind close the door pretty damn fast. Go ahead and judge me for thinking these things but remember, I am simply the witness here.
The act of watching my mind shout out these silent criticisms was full of agony and hilarity all at the same time. I attempted to tune out the diatribe of excessive instruction coming from the teacher and focus on the rhythm of my breath and then I’d visualize myself in a You Tube video with speech bubbles popping up, sharing all the crap that was going on in my head….all the while my ujayi was like a frickin’ metronome and my face was as peaceful as the Buddha himself. Every day, I’d show up and watch my nonstop thoughts come and go and my emotions roll. Many of these thoughts and emotions would never have come up with a home practise. This 30 day challenge was helping me connect to myself purely by throwing me discomfort, discontent and distraction.
Today I finished my 30 classes in 30 days and I’m thankful for the experience each class has offered. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to strengthen my ability to watch my own monkey mind. To practise letting my thoughts and emotions roll. This challenge also gave me the opportunity to reflect on what qualities I value in a teacher. I’ll share this in a subsequent post.
For now though I look forward to more time to hike, run, spend time with my daughter and roll out my yoga mat in my very own living room free from public yoga room distractions. When my own home practise seems to be going too smoothly, I will go back to the studio and set my mat up right next to Darth Vadar guy. Perhaps one day I won’t observe the agitations because they will no longer exist.
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