My Butterfly

Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne


Yesterday morning, my yoga teacher shared a quote that went something like the one above. She equated the butterfly not only to happiness but to anything that we might be striving for in life. I like the quote because it reinforces the importance and value of patience, surrender and non-attachment. It inspired me to think about what butterfly I might be "chasing" in life and whether the effort involved was wasted effort, excessive effort or just misdirected effort. What ordinary yet precious moments do I miss exhibiting all this effort in pursuit of my goals and happiness?

As I sat there on my mat, I realized in the midst of my reflection that it's been a long time since I've thought about my happiness or my goals. These days I think more about my sanity - about holding all aspects of my life together. My consciousness is simply at the level of responding to the never ending "to do" lists in all realms of my life and the routines that take me from one task to the next.

The quick pace starts with a call out for "ma ma" at about 6am and moves to the breakfast time routine, the negotiations on the number of raisins to put in the cereal bowl, the dog walk, the spilling of cheerios and coffee and the resistance to put on socks. It continues with the morning commute and me praying under my breath that we will all make it safely to day care and then work. I feel exhausted and I haven't even arrived at work yet.

The day shifts a bit as I wait a glorious few minutes for my lap top to start when I arrive at my office. I take a long swig of my coffee and open my calendar. Ahhh...the fog in my brain is starting to fade. Just in time. The task list pops up, the schedule of meetings and deadlines flash on my screen, the ever growing in box looms. I move from one task to the next amidst too many interruptions and shifting priorities. It's almost as though I blink and it's past 4:30pm. I haven't finished what I needed to get done - my brain hurts thinking about how I'm going to fit in a couple more hours of work on top of what already lies ahead. I hurriedly pack up my lap top and head out to go back to my other "job".

The daycare pick up - one of the greatest parts of my day. The commute home - the not so great part of the day. The dinner routine, the dog walk, the bath time, the clean up. It's crazy and joyous all at the same time. It's exhausting. Maybe I'm lucky enough to fit in a run or a yoga practise: A pause to regenerate and find my self and an element of peace. Then the evening continues at my home office - more effort to meet school deadlines and keep up to speed with the readings. I'm exhausted. My eyes can hardly stay open. I tell myself "you can do it"...."it's your last course". I laugh.... I remember my "work" work that still needs to get done and then open my lap top to finish up a few more things so I"m not dreaming about them all night. I look at the clock. I contemplate going to bed without brushing my teeth. The parent in me says "brush your teeth and go to bed". I collapse on to my pillow. I blink and hear the little person with a big voice call "MA MA". I look at my clock. It's 6am................

The pace is crazy and hectic and more fatiguing than any Ironman triathlon I've ever done. The repetition of it all sometimes reaps my brain of creativity. I wonder when I might have a break... a sleep in perhaps... a shower than I can linger in for longer for 3 minutes. I know I can't sustain the pace for the long term. Regardless, the smiles, giggles and hugs from my wee daughter give me strength and a huge sense of gratitude.

I think to myself as I sit peacefully on my yoga mat, listening to my breath and the voice of the teacher... my butterfly has already landed. She wakes me up every morning and brings the power of presence into my every day. I am so blessed to grow with this little being and experience the world through innocent, curious and playful eyes. This is not to say that I am not thinking about my goals or the pursuit of happiness. Instead, I am saying that there is happiness in every day - it is within me or close by me. I just have to notice it. The Dalai Lama says that "happiness is "characterized by inner peace and arises in the context of our relationships with others". Indeed.... may we all surround ourselves with those people that help us to find that place of peace and happiness.

Running with Trepidation

In my days of personal fitness training, I have rehabbed many clients back from injury but apparently, I'm approaching my own rehab with some trepidation. At the beginning of this week, I excitedly told my physio that I was now up to running about 5 sets of a 5 minute run and a 1 minute walk. She listened, watching me finish my set of single leg plyometric exercises and continued to observe me as I jumped around on the BOSU ball on one foot. After observing a few other drills, she said "you need to push yourself...you can run longer than that...do sets of at least 20 minutes".

After two minutes of hopping around on one leg, I was thinking to myself "I am pushing myself just to fit in these physio appointments and get in a daily hour of exercise.... look at me jumping on this post-surgery leg...I'm jumping pretty high! Isn't that pushing myself?! And hey...what about the 10% rule?". I shut off my inner voice and said "okay", in part excited by the prospect of going for a real run!

So listening to the physio, I started this week running 10 minutes and walking 1 minute and ended the week with a continuous 30 minute run pushing 50 lbs of kid and stroller along with dog around my waist. The stroller was not part of the plan but hey, it was a way I could take the dog out, occupy Ellie with some new scenery, get in a run and and pick up dinner. In less than an hour, I checked three thing off my "to do" list. I'm a bit stiff (mostly my arms from pushing the stroller up hill all weekend!) but truly, I think it's my fitness level that's going to have to catch up with my new knee.

Finished off the week with a great Power Yoga class that left the positive vibrations flooding my body and mind - let's see if I can take those off the mat and into this crazy week that lays ahead. Shanti, shanti, shanti!

Sunday Morning Runs In Sight

Okay, I'm not Jane Benoit...that part is obvious and for those that don't know me, I've already declared that these legs of mine are more penguin like than cheetah like (they can go long distances but not very fast). As mentioned in my last post, Jane won the Olympic Marathon trials just over 3 weeks after arthroscopic surgery. I'm at 7 weeks post surgery and ran for the first time today. I ran a total of 8 minutes ! Well, actually, I walked for 5 minutes and ran for 1 minute a total of 8 times! Okay, I'm still a long shot away from a marathon or a long distance trail race but it still felt great to be out running on a Sunday morning.

Seeing a runners out on the trail on a Sunday morning might have made me a little envious a few months ago. Today, I was inspired - fully energized by the fact that I will be joining them in a few months myself. For so many years of my life Sundays have always been for running - with an injury and a wee one - that hasn't been the case over the last year. However, I'm confident I'll be able to re-connect to that tradition sometime soon. I've been swimming, spinning, practising yoga and diligently doing my boring physio exercises. It's all good and progress is upward. I'm a little bit worried about fitting all this in with school starting next week but I'm hopeful!

Dreaming of Trails - 1 Week After Knee Surgery

It has been over a year since my last post. I can't believe this much time has whizzed by - it has been a very full year and a time of much transition! Moving, returning to work and grad school after maternity leave, learning how to live as a family after many months spent in separate provinces and adjusting to injury! Yes, I'm back to where I started this blog over two years ago - with a pain in my left knee!

Only this time, I'm one week into rehabbing from arthroscopic surgery that repaired my medial meniscus. Running has always been my joy, my escape, my social time, my sanity and my way of connecting with nature. I have been without that joy since last August - a stupid fall left my knee twisted, bloody and with a torn meniscus. The whole experience was rather deflating considering that I had spent considerable time building my running back up to a pre-pregnancy state. Let me be clear - I am ever so grateful for what my body can do with or without a torn meniscus. That being said, nothing replaces the freedom that comes from running - moving your body like it was meant to move. This movement - this freedom - it is part of our nature.

After many months of waiting to for an MRI, appointments with sports medicine doctors and finally, with an orthopaedic surgeon, my running shoes sat there - clean and lonely on the shoe rack. Yoga practise has kept my mind from cracking and I'm hoping it has kept my body strong enough for a speedy rehab. I was awed by the fact that Jane Benoit won the U.S. Olympic Marathon Trials for women in 1984 in Olympia, WA only 17 days after arthroscopic surgery. I don't even expect to start running in 17 days but if I can start running in twice that time, I'd be ecstatic.

So, here I go again. I have the same goal as when I started this blog - the Knee Knacker trails are in my back yard and I still aim to run this race one day. For now though, I will keep my humility. My first goal is to rehab my knee to the point that I can start running again. Then, who knows - I'm hoping that both my knees and the rest of my middle age bod have lots of trail running years ahead.

This blog continues to be an account of my return to running and my inspirations for running along with the usual ramblings associated with my perspectives on life, yoga and running as I balance grad school, work and parenthood and all the other stuff that life throws at us.